PostPartum Depression

A friend of mine recently posted a very private, but moving piece on her blog...which inspired me to do the same. This is something I rarely talk about except with the people very closest to me. However, maybe writing about it will help someone else out there who has experienced, or is experiencing the same thing.
It really started about a month or so after Hailey was born. She was a VERY colicky baby and would cry most of the day. On top of that I had a very active 18 month old who still needed a lot of care. Hailey only slept for maybe 2 hours at a time at night, so my sleep was horrible. Grant was working long hours, sometimes not coming home until 8 or 9 at night. The day that was the breaking point was a very clear one to me. It was about 7:00 in the evening and Hailey had been crying for hours and Ella was acting up...being normal for a toddler...but too much for me to handle. I remember Ella wouldn't let me change her diaper, so I just was letting her run around naked. I was sitting in Hailey's room with the lights off, rocking her, trying to get her back to sleep. Ella was running around like a crazy woman, and throwing things off the banister to the second story. I had a very real thought that I wanted to throw both of them off the banister and it scared the HELL out of me. I immediately called Grant and told him to come right home. The next day I called a wonderful physicians assistant I had known before and I knew would help me because I had tried to express this to my own dr. only to be pushed off. I went and saw her and she was very understanding and started me on some medication. It took a few different tries, but I finally found one that worked. She also helped me get into a pediatrician because my family dr. just wasn't helping me with Hailey. The pediatrician was also my saving grace b/c she diagnosed Hailey with reflux and finally after two different medications, we found one that worked. Over night Hailey became a different baby b/c she wasn't in agony anymore.
I still feel like I am battling with it a bit. I have very little energy, and although I am not a weepy type of depressed, I mostly feel very overwhelmed. The medication does help. The winter does not help. I am looking forward to the spring time when I can get outside for walks in the warm sunshine because I know that will help. In fact over the summer I went off the medication because I was feeling so good just due to the weather.
I am writing about this because I know I am not the only one who has gone through this. Many people have experienced and gotten good treatment. Others may have it and not recognize it quite yet. If anyone reading this needs to talk about it, please give me a call or an email shout out. I can totally understand because I have lived through it.

Talent

I have two amazing sister in laws and a wonderful friend with home business and want to give them a shout out. They are amazingly talented in many, many ways, and I feel so lucky to have them in my life.
1. Melissa: She started her own purse/bag business called Borsa Bella. Her bags are amazing and I own too many to count. Everywhere I go with them I get many compliments. I recently got to be the model for her new spring collection which was really fun. Her website is: http://www.borsabella.com/
2. Chelee: She recently started her own photography business and is doing really well. She has a great eye and natural talent. My children have been her models many times over and are all over her website...it makes me smile. Her website is: http://www.michelleellisphotography.com/
3. Tera: She is my very good friend and has been doing photography for some time now. She has taken many, many photos of my children and family and you can find them all over my house. She is also a natural talent, has a wonderful eye, and an innate ability to make you feel relaxed and at ease in front of the camera. Her website is: http://www.photographybytera.com/

So, if you have time, check out their websites...you will not be disappointed.

Another distraction

I stole this from a friend's blog. It is called the hubby tag

What is his name? Steven Grant Carrick, but he goes by Grant

How long have you been married? A little over 5 years

How long did you date? Gosh, I can't really remember. We started dating when we were 18 and got married when I was 22, he was 23, so I guess that is about 4 years.

How old is he? 28

Who eats more sweets? Me for sure. Although Grant does like sugary drinks like soda pop and chocolate milk.

Who said I love you first? He did...we were dancing in his room to "Lady in Red" I can't believe I remember that.

Who is taller? Grant. He is 6 foot 2 inches and I am 5 foot 8 1/2 inches.

Who can sing better? We are both equally crappy singers. Although Grant likes to make up new words to songs

Who is smarter? We are both "smarter" at different things.

Who does the laundry? I do mine and the kids and towels/linens. Grant does his own. I did his one time when we were dating and he re-folded everything. That was the last time.

Who pays the bills? I have been. But I haven't been doing a very good job at it, so Grant set most things up on autopay.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? If you are laying in the bed, Grant sleeps on the right.

Who mows the lawn? Grant usually does. But I did do it a few times last summer. It is actually kind of relaxing.

Who cooks dinner? We both do.

Who drives? Always him

Who is more stubborn? I don't really think either one of us is stubborn; mostly laid back

Who kissed who first? I can't remember...we were in Mexico and had a few drinks in us :)

Who asked who out first? Nobody really asked the other one out, it just kind of happened.

Who proposed? He did. He took me to Levenworth and proposed under the snow as all the Christmas lights were being lit up. He wanted to get down on a knee, but there was TONS of people around and I didn't want everyone to look at us. I wanted it to just be between us. I have said that it felt like when you are in the movies and the camera pans around a couple. It felt like the world stood still, and we were the only ones in that huge crowd. It felt right.

Who has more siblings? We each have 3 siblings

Who wears the pants? Probably depends on who you ask :)

Overconfident

Ella has been doing really well with her potty training. In fact on Wednesday she did all her pee and poop in the potty with the exception of one pee accident. I got so confident that the next morning, while getting ready to go the chiropractor, I decided to put Ella in panties. "She can do it" I thought "She did it all day yesterday". You guessed it, right in the middle of my back adjustment I started to smell something and I knew it wasn't the Dr. I realized it was Ella that pooped and then in the next second, remembered she was in panties...oh man. It wasn't that big of a deal in the end. Easy to clean up, and I had an extra pair of pants and a pull up in the car. But I learned a good lesson. In the beginning of potty training, even if they are doing great, put them in a pull up while going out, or else you will inevitable end up with some sort of mess to clean up. It is just Murphy's law...the kid knows that you are out and that they don't have any diaper on, and they go for it. When she has the pull up on she doesn't poop or pee. Go figure.

Happy Valentine's Day

For Valentines Day we had a couple of Ella and Hailey's little friends over for a small Valentine's party. They were able to make their own valentines, and each got a little heart shaped cookie to decorate. They had a really fun time.
Grant and I didn't really celebrate it this year. We got each other cards, but that is about it. He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner and I said I really would like to go out to dinner with all 4 of us. We never go out with the kids. So I think we might try to go out this Sat. around 3:00 or so, so we are in-between the lunch and dinner rush.
I hope everyone else had a very wonderful Valentine's Day and took some time to remind the people you love just how much you love them.

My new favorite sound....

Yep...you guessed it...tinkle,tinkle, tinkle! Ella has started to use the potty again. We pretty much had her trained right before Christmas, and then all the excitement of Christmas happened, followed by a bunch of illnesses, and we just gave up and put her back in diapers. We are starting again, and I am just letting her go around without a diaper and then when she feels the need she runs to her potty. She is doing pretty well with the pee thing. Now, the next sound I am waiting for will be...plop,plop.

My New Toy

I finally got my new I-phone. It was one of those things that I really didn't even know I needed it until Grant got his...then I had to have one! It is really cool. Not only is it a cell phone, and an I-pod, but you can also send and recieve email, search the internet, and (my very favorite) text! I am new to texting, I never figured out how to do it on my old phone. So if any of you reading this are "texters" as well, send one my way! I love to text, but don't know very many people yet who do it.
This is probably the coolest new piece of technology I have ever owned. Now I just have to get some accessories for it! Like a docking station for one, so I can listen to it through speakers. Does anyone have a good one that they can suggest?

(sorry for the bad photo quality...I couldn't get my flash to turn off for some reason)

Sleep: Part 2

Well, last night, for the first time in a while, I actually got a good nights sleep. I can't revile all the tricks I used :) But I did make myself stay up until midnight, and instead of falling asleep to the TV, I fell asleep with my head on Grant's chest. The rhythm of his breathing was actually really relaxing. I slept from midnight until almost 8:00. Although I felt more rested in the morning, it did trigger a migraine headache. I have heard that changes in sleep can trigger a migraine, but wasn't sure if I had ever experienced it before today. I never had migraines until my last pregnancy and since then have had one every now and then. Thank goodness for Excedrin migraine. It works like a charm. Hopefully tonight will go well also. Wish me luck!!!

On another sleep time note. Up until now, we have used a lock on the outside of Ella's room to keep her in her bedroom at night (it sounds mean, but it was really about keeping her safe and from wondering the house at night). But I have been thinking that if I am going to potty train her, she is going to need to be able to get out of bed to use the potty if needed. So tonight I did not lock her door and she was supposed to go to bed 30 minutes ago, and this is her second time out of bed already. I guess I better go address the problem. Any suggestions on how to keep her in her room without locking the door???

Insomnia....I'm it's bitch

Sorry for the profanity, but I am feeling really crappy. Every night, for a while now, I have been having a horrible time sleeping. Most of the time (with the help of some sort of medication) I can fall asleep okay, but for the past week I have been awake from 2:00 to 4:30 am. Laying there, wishing I could go back to sleep, my back killing me. Last night, on the suggestion of a friend, I tried Melatonin. It worked okay, but I was still up from 2-4. And then I finally fall back asleep for a couple of crappy hours before having to wake up and start my day. It is leaving me feeling DRAINED and I have such a lack of energy b/c of it. The worst part is Grant starts sleeping the minute he hits the pillow and continues all night long. It makes me very jealous. I am not sure if it is the years of night shift that have messed me up, the waking up with Hailey so long, or my crazy aching back, but I really hope I can resolve it soon!

15 months

Hailey had her 15 month well check today. She weighs 28 lbs 10 oz, which is the 98% (OMG) ht was 32.5 inches, which was like 85%, and head was 48 cm, the 95%. She remains a big girl!!! She has been in the 90% to over 100% her whole life. I was a bit concerned b/c her sister started to thin out by now with all the walking and such. Dr. Dernbach just thought Hailey was very normal, and probably a little bigger boned, and has the making to be a great post basketball player! She said she expects to be reading her name in the paper someday for her wonderful basktetball abilities :) I said I would be pushing for basketball over hockey for sure (can you imagine!)! She agreed. She asked if her dad was a bigger guy, and I explained Grant's size to her (not fat by any means, but big for sure). She said that was probably where she gets it from. Although there are some big people on my side of the family as well! Anyways, she is right on target with her development and doing wonderful. In fact, she says way more words than she is supposed to at this age. I love Dr. Derbach's well checks. She is very through and takes at least a 1/2 and hour with you. A stark contrast to the family practice we went to before (although I did love that dr as well). Hailey didn't have to get any shots today b/c we came in and got them a couple of weeks ago. But as soon as she saw the nurse she started bawling. Grant said "Well, yeah, she is not stupid!". That is true. She is an amazing little girl and I love her to pieces. Although it is no wonder I have back problems hauling her around!

The photos are of her painting with pudding the other day. Although she mostly ate the pudding as opposed to painting with it! Surprise Surprise!!

Distraction

I will do anything to keep me from all the work I have to do around the house. I saw this on someone elses blog and decided to copy it:

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I think my first name was after another baby down the hall from where I was born. I was originally named Elizabeth Marie, in fact it was on my little crib card, but then my parents heard of a Kelly and decided to change it to Kelly Marie. Marie is after my grandmother, my dad's mom, Myrna Marie.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A couple of minutes ago when I read my friend's blog. It is a long story.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I have the ability to have good handwriting but most of the time go to fast and it ends up messy
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? turkey
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Ella Grace, 2 1/2 years, Hailey Jane 16 months
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDSWITH YOU?
I think so...I would like to think I am a pretty caring friend
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Occationally
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, never had trouble with them.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No way, I am afriad of heights
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I have eaten Cherios occationally. When I was pregnant with Ella I had a constant craving for Lucky Charms, but could not have them due to the Gestational Diabetes...it was torture.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically or emotionally??? It comes and goes.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Any kind. I am currently addicted to Skinny Cow ice cream cones.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? The tone of their personality/mood. I can't really explain how I can notice it, but I can.
15. RED OR PINK? both
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My lack of energy right now.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I don't know about the most, but in high school I had this great friend named Julie Bowman whom I haven't seen since high school, and I do miss her.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?Yes, fill up that comment box or email me!
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black streachy pants from Target (thanks Tera for the suggestion) and white socks.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A really good rasberry scone from desserts by Kelly and a fruit and yogart parfait from McDonalds.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Tony Lucca on I-tunes
22. HAVE YOU HAD BRACES? Yes, for about a year
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Clean babies and baby breath after they have breast fed (weird I know)
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THEPHONE? Wendy
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I copied it
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? I like to watch sports where I know someone who is playing, so I haven't really watched much lately. I kind of got a little into football this year. I did enjoy the last quarter of the superbowl game.
27. FAVORITE KIND OF PIZZA? Too many to choose
28. EYE COLOR? blue
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Lately scones and bagels (carbs I know).
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? happy endings only, I haven't watched a scary movie in years, in fact I can barely watch the commercials for them
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? I honestly don't know. Probably a Dora the explorer one
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White shirt with red hoodie
34. FAVORITE SEASON ? I like the changing of the seasons, every one.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Ice cream
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? don't know
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? don't know
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Unfortunatly I haven't read a book in a while. I do have an obession with celiberity magazines though. I just read an entire People magazine (which I am sure is good for my mind)
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have a mousepad
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Reruns of How I met your mother
42. FAVORITE SOUND? My kids giggiling
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Europe
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I don't know
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Fargo, ND
47. WHAT IS ONE OF YOUR PET PEEVES? When people make lots of sounds while eating or drinking. It sounds like nails on the chalkboard to me
48. THINGS YOU REALLY ENJOY DOING? Cuddling my kids, shopping, searching the internet, talking to friends
49. FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL (OR COLLEGE)? Biology, Anatomy and physiology
50. DO YOU DRINK COFFEE? For sure, everyday or else I get a headache

A little bit of Crazy talk

I have been looking at the video and photos of the girls births and first few months....and I have to say, it has me thinking I would love another baby. I HATED being pregnant, but I loved giving birth, and I love those first 6 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I am not about to start trying again (I am starting my birth control tomorrow)....I don't think my body could handle it. I need some good solid months of some serious vitamin and mineral replenishing, and I need to get my back in better shape. In fact, that is what is really holding me off. My back hurts so much as it is, I can't imagine adding the weight of a pregnancy to it. I would be in misery. Not to mention the months of puking, the gestational diabetes and the kidney stones. Maybe by the end of the summer I will be ready. That would be ideal anyway b/c I would prefer to have another spring baby as opposed to a winter baby. I battle a bit with the winter blues as it is, so add to that some serious hormones and lack of sleep and it is not a good combonation. I will try to figure out how to post the video of hailey's birth like I did Ella. In the meantime, I will post a few photos of Hailey's beginnings.

Winter Blahs and Springtime Dreaming

Is anyone else having the same winter time blahs that I am experiencing??? I am having a seriously hard time getting motivated, a bigtime lack of energy, and some serious yearning for some warm sunshine. This always happens to me this time of year. I should try and plan a Hawaiian vacation for every Feb. (I wish). It usually starts in January, and goes until about the end of March. Then, in April, it at least gets warm enough to get out for a walk or a trip to the park.

In an attempt to do some Springtime dreaming I dressed the girls up in some new spring outfits I bought for them. It helped a little I guess!

Makeup party

After 4 days of not leaving the house due to snow...and being locked up with two toddlers, Ella and I decided to have a makeup party. When she woke up from her nap (before Hailey) we took out her little makeup kit and went to town. The product was what I thought we would be seeing in 15 years from now...and it was a bit scary. Nonetheless, it got us doing something besides watching Dora and boots, and took up some of our afternoon. Oh, and we also did finger and toenails.