You Gotta Be

I've been listening to that song "You Gottta Be" by Des'ree a lot lately in an attempt to get myself pumped up and my confidence up to go back to work. As I am listening to it though...I am realizing the chorus (my favorite part) and the first verse pertains A LOT to motherhood as well. So, for those of you not familiar with the song, here are the words:
First Verse:
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

Chorus:
You gotta be Bad
You gotta be Bold
You gotta be Wiser
You gotta be Hard
You gotta be Tough
You gotta be Stronger
You gotta be Cool
You gotta be Calm
You gotta Stay together
All I know, All I know...Love will save the day

Those words: Bad, Bold, Wiser, Hard, Tough, Stronger, Cool, Calm, Stay together
These are all words that as a mom (or a nurse) you try to do to make it through the day (I especially love the stay together part!) . And when it comes down to it...in the end...Love will save the day.

So all you moms (or nurses) out there should download this song and listen to it every morning as you have those first sips of coffee. It could be your mantra!

Anxiety

I am having terrible anxiety about going back to work. I want to REALLY bad...like next week. But I am so anxious about it. It is starting to effect my sleep and life.
Any positive encouragement would be greatly appreciated!!

Daddy

Tonight the girls were very busy helping their daddy get the bread ready and telling him an intense story about Swiper the fox at Aunt Wendy's house today(that sneaky fox). As you can probably tell by the photos the girls are always beyond happy to see their daddy walk through that door at the end of the night...it is the closest he will ever come to being a rock star!!!

Taking After Big Sister!

Hailey's hair is getting longer and looking just like Ella's with tons of blonde ringlet curls! The problem with having girls with curly thick hair is they wake up with the craziest bed-head, and it is definitely a process to get it brushed out and looking presentable. Today Hailey woke up with the best bed-head I have seen in a while so I had to take photos. I tried to get a good one of Ella's bed-head as well, but she wasn't too keen on having her picture taken, so she shut the playroom doors on me and all I could get was her through the glass.

What to Do???

I am torn about work. Do I go back to the NICU...that I know and love. Do I try something new with hospice. Do I spend most of my time in the birth center? What about something completely different and outside of the hospital. I am leaning towards going back to the NICU/birthcenter arena for now. Hospice care is still very near and dear to my heart...and something I would love to do someday. I honestly just don't know if I am in the right place to spend the time and effort to learn something new right now. I noticed on the recent NICU schedule there were not many per diem shifts available to pick up, so I would probably have to split my time between there and the birth center...which would be fine by me.

As I am writing this I am listening to the song "You gotta be" by Des'ree. I am sure you all have heard of it. It is the song I used to listen to all the time on my way to clinical when I was in nursing school. The chorus part reminds me of everything you have to be when you are working in the hospital, and it would help me build my confidence as I headed in to that dreaded clinical day (all you other nurses know exactly what I mean by dreaded!!!)

I got a cortisone injection in my back and it is starting to kick in. If it works well I think I will call my manager next week and see what I can figure out. Hopefully she will take me back. I am sure she can always use perdiem nurses.

I am just feeling kind of torn as to what to do.

I didn't have any photos of my in nursing school, or at work, so I am posting a photo of Grant and I when we took to Mexico as a reward for finishing nursing school. Man...what I would give to have that tight little 130 lb body back. The funny thing is at the time I probably thought I was fat. If I could go back and talk to myself, I would be saying "Walk around in a bikini all day" b/c you don't even know what is coming ahead. (two kids and a completely different body!!!)

Happy Easter

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter with their families. We are having a very busy...but fun weekend. We gave the girls their Easter baskets yesterday, and once again I went a little overboard. This morning we went to Grant's parent's house for an Easter egg hunt. Ella got right into it and was running around like crazy finding all the treats. Hailey didn't quite get it and needed a little coaxing from her Booma. For someone who doesn't normally attend church, we (meaning me and the kids...not Grant) went to two church services. One yesterday was with a church called the Reach, and it was a play type of production. Today, Ella and I went to a Church called the Faith Assembly, and Ella got to go to Sunday school while I went to the service with my friends Wendy and Jay. I actually really enjoyed them both and will probably keep attending one or both of them. The Faith Assembly had a rock type band playing with very cool music. That was a stark cry from the Catholic church I had been to as an adult with my Dad. I grew up in a Lutheran Church, that wasn't quite as ritualistic as the Catholic church, but still a far cry from both I attended this weekend.

The girls looked amazing in their little Easter dresses, and of course got a lot of "oohs and ahhs". I only have one photo right now of Hailey in her dress (Ella had the same outfit), but I will post more photos when I get the ones my sister in law Chelee took. In the mean time, enjoy the photos of the egg hunt and my happy little babies on Easter morning!

Little Gymnasts

The girls take a gymnastics class one day a week now, and they absolutely love it. It is for 18 months to 3 years, so Hailey is a little young, but they let her go anyway. I am on the floor with them as well as two teachers. They smile the entire time, and love every second of it. The best part about it is they are usually so worn out afterward they take a great nap. They are also learning so much. On the first day I had to put my hands over Hailey's hands in order for her to grip the bar or the rings. Now, only 4 weeks later, she can grip the bar by herself and even pull her legs up to her chest while doing it. Ella, of course, is amazing at all of it and they said she could go into the older class...but it is just easier for me to have them both in the same class. Both of them are doing somersaults all over the house, and Hailey has learned to jump with two feet (which is hilarious to watch). I know I posted a ton of photos, but there were too many cute ones to choose from!

Getting Ready for Swimsuit Season

I went to the mall last week and gymboree was having a sale on their swimsuits for the kids...and I couldn't resist. As soon as we got home I made them try the swimsuits on and they looked soooo cute. I also ordered them each one from old navy who was also having a sale. From old navy I got Hailey a little two piece that shows off her big old belly. I am looking into signing them up for swimming lessons at the club soon, so they will be ready for summer when it hits. I, on the other hand, am not swimsuit ready so you will be finding no photos of my posing in a suit on my blog! Or in person maybe! I guess I still have a few months to do some toning!

Hospice Care

Last night I attended a funeral of a very dear woman who died after a long battle with cancer. She was Grant's granddad's wife (second wife, first one also died a few years ago). About a year ago, my most endeared aunt Katherine also died after a battle with cancer, as did her sister about a year before her. Most of them were blessed with hospice care at the end of their illness...when no other treatment remained. The poem on the inside of the card from the funeral last night (Janice Carrick) spoke to this so beautifully:

God Saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be

So He closed his arms around you

And whispered, Come to me

You didn't deserve

What you went through

And so He gave you rest.

God's garden must be beautiful,

As He only takes the best.

And when I saw you sleeping

So peaceful and free from pain,

I would not wish you back

To suffer that again.

Okay, now I am sure many of you are wondering why I am posting such a sad post. I know it sounds kind of corny, but in some weird way I am feeling pulled to hospice nursing. My family thinks I am crazy. They think that since I cry at every funeral I attend, how could I deal with death and dying as a job. But I don't really see it that way. I see it as a way to end people's suffering, to make them comfortable in a very painful time, and to let them end their life with grace and dignity. I don't know, maybe my family is right, but it is still festering in my mind.

I went onto our local chaplaincy's website and they actually are looking for a perdiem RN to work every other weekend....a perfect schedule for me. I think I will call them today and inquire. Maybe I can start by being a volunteer and see if I do have the capacity to deal with it. I mean, I am trained as a NICU nurse and deal with the everyday life and death situations of newborns. You can't get much more stressful than that. In a perfect world I would work as a hospice nurse half time and a labor nurse the other half. So my world could be filled with the coming and going of life, and I could aid in the miracle of both.

I will leave you with some photos of my nursing graduation. I have been thinking a lot about the part of me as a nurse, and am aching to get it back into use again. I am so proud to call myself a nurse, and am truly blessed by all the wonderful nurses who trained me to become the nurse I am today.

Is it Spring yet???

It has to be close...right? Yesterday was actually a very nice day and we were able to go for a walk and play outside. We were hit this week with yet another round of illness. Grant woke up Monday morning with a high fever; a sinus infection. By the end of that day I too had a fever and just felt crappy. Hailey is finally getting over her "cold" of two plus weeks, but has still been acting like she is not feeling well. Ella has actually been able to bypass most of the illness somehow. She must have an immune system of steal. Probably all the breastfeeding. Although that wouldn't explain Hailey b/c she is still breastfeeding and has gotten every cold that has come around. (okay, I am knocking on wood right now b/c I just said out loud that Ella has an immune system of steal...she will probably get the flu tomorrow because of it)

I am yearning for springtime. For the sunshine, the warmth, the walks outside, being able to let my kids run free in the yard, planting flowers and trees, the vitamin D!!! I can feel that it is right around the corner, but March is a very hard month. You get glimpses of spring (like yesterday) and then it could snow again the next day.

On a completely other note...I know I am not the only American idol fan out there. It is what helps me get through this time of year (lame, I know...but true). Who do you guys like??? I am in love with David Archuleta and Jason Castro. On the girls side I do like Brooke, but I like the boys this year better in general. I thought David A.'s version of "Imagine" last week was incredible and I downloaded it from i-tunes.

I will post some photos of the girls from last summer to help with my sunshine dreaming. It is amazing how much they have changed since then!

Preschool

I never knew the craziness that comes with preschool until recently. First of all, I think it is crazy that we have to make decisions about what preschool we want our kids to go to in September, when it is only the beginning of March. A lot can change between now and then. I was starting to get stressed out about getting her into the "right" school, and then decided that any school would probably be just fine. What I wanted the most was a school that was not a co-op. Yes, I do love the idea of a co-op, but when you have another little one to take care of, it is not easy to arrange babysitting and such for the day you have to be in the classroom. So, I succumb to the craziness and got up at 4:30 am the other day in order to get Ella enrolled in the preschool I wanted. I had to go at 5:00 to get a number and then go back at 7:00 to wait for my number to be called and hope there were still spots available. There was...and she got in...but the whole time I just kept thinking how crazy it all is. I know it is nothing compared to the competition that comes with getting into an east coast preschool, and hopefully it never comes to that, but there was still this weird feeling of competition. They are only 3 years old for goodness sakes. I actually really cannot wait until she is in kindergarten, in public school, and I know she will get in no matter what. Plus I won't have to pay for it. But I guess even then, you might not get the teacher you want, or the school you necessarily want.

Anyways, the conclusion is that Ella got into the preschool which was my first choice and she will be going next year two days a week on tues. and Thursday. That means I have 2 hours and 20 mins with only one child which will feel like a break to me!!! Yeah!