My Montage 6/1/09 at OneTrueMedia.com

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Jackson

My friend Danny wrote on facebook "What is it with NICU nurses and their babies?" Seriously, I don't know, but a large number of us have had our own babies as patients in our unit.
34 weeks and 5 days...I couldn't sleep. I was totally uncomfortable, nauseated, choking on reflux once I did finally fall asleep, hugely swollen. I started bleeding a little that night, but wrote it off. The next evening, Grant saw the blood and said maybe we should go in. Of course, of all my MANY visits to the hospital, this time I didn't bring any of my stuff. About 20 minutes after arriving to Kadlec, my water broke. It was official; it was on. At that point, they wouldn't stop by labor. I have to say, a big part of me was kind of relieved. It had been a long ride and it was finally over, and it just happened, on it's own.
It was my longest labor of all 3 of my labors, and an emotional one as well. I had Many a breakdown and Grant and I had bonding moments that we have never had, and probably won't ever again. My night nurse, Becki, was so awesome, she was even going to stay over her shift if it looked like I would deliver soon. Sam was my dayshift nurse and was there for my delivery and was also awesome. My water broke around 6:00 on Tuesday evening and I didn't end up delivering him until 2:40 on Wednesday. I was stuck at a 6 for a long time when Sam checked me and realized there was like a second bag of water or something and once that was broke, I was ready to push in about 30 minutes.
One of my very good friends Val, came to represent the NICU for the delivery. She wasn't scheduled to work that day and I was so happy that she came in extra to be with me! Dr. Ortolano had been through a lot with me and I was very happy to see him. He did an excellent job at coaching me through and making me go slow when I just wanted to push that baby out super fast. My epidural stopped working right before I had him and I could feel it all and wanted it over with! Thankfully, going slow helped me to not tear, and at the very end he asked me for my hands and let me deliver the baby out right onto my chest.
I can't explain that moment. Relief, joy, happy, sad, a little bit of everything. I got to hold him, nurse him, cuddle him; for just a while before he had to be taken to NICU for low blood sugar and being preterm. I can't really explain what that felt like either, but I think it answers Danny's question...maybe God puts us through those moments so we can be even more understanding to the families we take care of as nurses. They took him, and my husband went with him. They were done with me and everyone was gone and I just started bawling. I can't explain how lonely that felt...but I think I will be a better NICU nurse because of it.
Thankfully, I was able to be with him shortly after that. He ended up staying 2 nights in NICU and 5 more on pediatrics. I didn't have to leave his side because right when they discharged me they moved him to peds and I was able to stay in the room with him. His main lingering issue was increased billirubin and jaundice.
He is such a special little boy and I am SO thrilled to have him in my life. There were times during that pregnancy that I didn't think I would make it. I didn't want to do it anymore. Now, I can't imagine my life without him. What a journey.
Jackson Casey Carrick
May 13, 2009
2:40 p.m.
6 lbs 15 oz
19 inches long



a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZeNUsYWx6sCmSAidw0GaEkMRMIZ4-m2LEc6lX84UUNtPpNt7M6r2aJ2tWi8wGc54srgXTVnBVMQvysGfcK_D6uSl99zA9IGu1u_VqJzmoRdCQbB6ynUx8vouBxsta97YWdWVNyf569SZx/s1600-h/jackson_birthmaster-102-77+%5BDesktop+Resolution%5D.jpg">

These photos were taken by my very good friend and wonderful photographer Tera Pettit
http://www.terapettit.com/
I am working on a slide show of all the photos set to music and will post that when I am done. I realize they are quite personal photos (although you can't see anything private) but I thought they were too cool not to share!

Babies

I love this song and the video! Makes me cry. I wish they could stay little forever!

Happy Birthday Miss Ella!

My baby girl is 4! I can't believe it...she is so grown up! I can't believe next year she will be 5 and start kindergarten, I can't even let my mind go there.
She had a great birthday party at Garland's gymnastics with her ever favorite Coach Brett. She had a great time. During the singing of Happy Birthday she put her head down and would not look at anyone but had a huge smile on her face. I could totally see myself in her at that moment.
The week before her birthday I woke to find that she had found some scissors and cut a HUGE amount of her hair off. The morning of her party I was calling all around to hair salons trying to get her in for a cut. She was very concerned that if we cut her hair off and she would look like a boy. I assured her it would be cute and she would look like her best friend Taylor and that if she didn't want short hair she shouldn't have cut it off! She was very good during her hair cut and it actually turned out pretty good.
She had her 4 year well check today and she remained in the 90% for her weight and her height. The Dr. said we can expect her to be around 5'8" tall when she is totally grown. She checked out perfectly physically as well as developmentally.
She is excited about having a baby brother and will often rub by belly and say "Don't grow too big baby". Or she will ask me if he is kicking. She loves her role as a big sister and I think will be a great help with the baby. Hailey on the other hand, says she is going to be the baby so who knows how that will go down!
Happy Birthday Ella Grace! We love you tons!

My New Dessert!

Okay, well I've officially started my diabetic diet. For some reason I am really resisting it this time and I REALLY don't want to do it. However, I also REALLY don't want to deliver a 12 pound baby...so I will give in. This is the one situation where it is a benefit to work in the NICU, because I have seen those 12 pound babys, who don't want to eat, have an IV, and who's mother's walk in hours later looking exactly like what's happened to them...they've been riped open from one side to the other.
So, here is my new desert option. It has 100 calories, is about one carb exchange, and is surprisingly quite good! I could probably use the calories and fat that are in the full fat one but part of how they get those calories is through sugar, so that is out. I am partial to the key lime pie flavor! This will have to replace my very favorite skinny cow ice cream cones :(

http://www.generalmills.com/corporate/brands/product_image.aspx?catID=23382&itemID=14484

25 random things about me

1. I am happy to be expecting a baby boy this summer
2. My little girls are the apple of my eye and I am constantly in awe of how beautiful and amazing they are
3. My husband has been amazing at pulling through during these hard times...I love him even more for that.
4. I just had a stent placed in my urinary tract due to problems with kidney stones :( yuck
5. Ever since I started working night shift 4 1/2 years ago I have problems sleeping at night. It's like it permanently messed up my sleep center.
6. Ever since my pregnancy with Hailey (that involved a lot of puking) once I start puking, I might never stop without some sort of medical intervention. Again, I think the puke center in my brain is permanently messed up.
7. I love giving birth to my baby's and find it very empowering, but I HATE the 40 week leading up to it.
8. I am very blessed to have one of those best friends that most people just dream of having. The type of friend that feels like a soul mate and one you can call on with absolutely anything! I love you Wendy!
9. I used to be a crazy active basketball player in high school, and I don't think I have even picked up a ball ever since.
10. I love to shop online! I love hearing the UPS truck pull up, knowing he has a surprise for you :)
11. I love reality TV...the bachelor, biggest looser, jon and kate plus 8, little people big world, and of course AMERICAN IDOL!!!
12. I HATE it when people eat really loud and with their mouth open, it feels like nails on the chalkboard to me
13. On that same note, I hate it when people (Grant) chug everything they drink and you can hear the gulp half way across the room.
14. On of my very favorite things to do it taking walks with Wendy and the kids down by the park. I am not sure how we are going to figure it out this summer now that 6 kids will be involved! It was so much easier when we both had 1!
15. I am very thankful for my parents and everything they do for us. I don't know how we could have made it through some of these hard times without them.
16. I love going to my in laws for Sunday dinner.
17 I am a neonatal nurse, and have only ever been a neonatal nurse, so I no nothing about adult health care! People often try to ask me questions, but really, all I know is babys!
18. I have a secret desire to be trained as a labor and delivery nurse, but have never even had the time to commit to do it. Maybe once the kids are all a little older.
19. I love making jewelery, and I think I am getting pretty decent at it. I made some very pretty Christmas presents this year. I learned how to do it from my lovely SIL Melissa.
20. I love Christmas music. I generally will start listening to it at the beginning of November and don't stop until well into January!
21. I desperately want to take the girls to Disneyland soon. They are at the age that they are in LOVE with all the princesses. I think they would get a thrill out of it. Not sure if it will happen though, at least until next fall maybe.
22. I have a small group of friends that have been with me since elementary school. We get together about one time a month to chat and catch up.
23. I am loving this new laptop Grant bought. I am typing in my bed while watching TV...it is awesome!
24. I am afraid of most dogs, and of heights
25. I am so excited to meet my little boy in approx. 20 more weeks!

It's a BOY!!!

I had an ultrasound today and found out we are having a boy! I spent the rest of the morning in a state of pure joyous disbelief. I think having had only girls, I was just kind of expecting a girl. Also, the doctor did an ultrasound at 15 weeks and thought it looked like a girl, but wasn't sure. In our heads, it was another girl that we were going to name Leah. I should have been tipped off right there...us, already having a name, it could never be that easy! We are beside ourselves with happiness. It is just really cool to know one way or the other, but honestly...two girls and then a boy is what I always wanted. I know people who wait until their delivery to find out the sex of the baby and I honestly don't know how they do it! It is such an amazing piece of news that gives me a little bit of happiness and excitement in the middle of a very hard pregnancy. Hopefully this excitment will last the next 22 weeks and take me through to the end :)
Most of you who know us know that Grant and I did not easily come to a decision on a name for either of the girls until after they were born. We went into Ella's birth with two names picked out, and Hailey's with 6, three a piece! I am sure this one will not be any different. We have always liked the name Jackson. I also really like Casey and Aiden. I haven't ever spent much time skimming the boy portion of the baby name books, so I'll have to take a look. I am totally open to suggestions (as long as you don't get mad at me if we don't jump on it!!).

Change...

Let me start by saying I have been feeling pretty crappy for some time now. Lack of energy, heart pounding, trouble sleeping, and PAIN!!! Granted I am 16 weeks pregnant, but this was going on long before this pregnancy. Also, I didn't feel this crappy when I was pregnant with Ella and taking care of myself better.

I don't always watch Oprah...but I record it. Today I watched yesterdays show of her Best life week with Dr. Oz. Halfway through the show I got up, went to my cubbard and swallowed my prenatal vitamin and my iron pill!!! I know that there have been many people in my life telling me the life changes I should do to start feeling better (MOM) but I think today I finally got it!

I haven't been the wife I want to be, the mom I want to be, the nurse I want to be, the daughter I want to be, or the friend I want to be. I am better than this...I just know it. I need to change...and it has to be know.

So...I am going to start a list and put it on my fridge. Here it goes:
-Take my vitamins...every day. At the very least my prenatal plus a vitamin D
-Take my iron as prescribed...I think one time a day (I'll look). Don't forget!!! It will make me feel better
- Eat breakfast every day. Shoot for oatmeal or cream of wheat. Figure out something for in a hurry (any suggestions).
-Cut WAY back on sugar. This means soda...which I love right now. This will probably become mandatory due to the diabetes I have dealt with in my previous pregnancies. It is torture at time, but makes you feel better.
-Stretch every day
-Exercise 3-4 times a week. Prenatal water aerobics, yoga, walk.
-Wake up at the same time everyday. Between 7:30 and 8:00

Alright, so I'll start with that. That is actually a lot of changes for me.
Encouragement is much appreciated!

Elf Yourself

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Snow Bunnies!

The girls were so excited about the snow this morning! Ella thought snow on the ground meant it was Christmas and shortly after she woke up she ran downstairs and then came up to report that "Santa didn't leave any presents for me, Hailey, Mommy or Daddy!" She was so upset. We had to explain to her that it wasn't Christmas yet. "But it snowed" she said. The Christmas anticipation is really starting to get to her!
Grant bundled them up and took them out to play and use the sled. Their little friend Harrison from next door joined them. They had a really good time until the end when Hailey lost her glove and her hand got cold and she screamed for like 30 minutes like she thought her hand was going to fall off. Not that she is a bit of a drama queen or anything!

Christmas getting to know you...

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? both...mostly wrapping paper though

2. Real tree or Artificial? artificial. We had a real one in our first Christmas in a house together...and it was full of spiders. That was the end of it for Grant!

3. When do you put up the tree? The weekend after Thanksgiving

4. When do you take the tree down? The week after Christmas

5. Do you like egg nog? I don't know that I've ever tried it!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? An American Girls doll

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, a very pretty Jim Shore one

8. Hardest person to buy for? My parents

9. Easiest person to buy for? My girls

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Fudge!

15. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear

16. Favorite Christmas song? I really like them all

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay Home

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comit, Cubit, Donner and Blitzen, and of course the most famous reindeer of all, Rudolph

19. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? I grew up opening them on Christmas eve and Grant on Christmas morning. Now it works out well because we go to my family's house on Christmas eve and then have our own little thing Christmas morning and then head over to his family's house. Still...I feel like there is something weird about opening presents in your PJ's.

20. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Idiot shoppers in the stores and parking lots!!! They are soooo rude!

21. Favorite thing about this time of year? Watching it through Ella and Hailey's eyes

22. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? I don't really have a theme...I just like things around me that are meaningful in some way

23. Favorite food for Christmas dinner? I like a traditional dinner for Christmas day...turkey, mashed potatoes, the works. Lately on Christmas eve I think my dad has been BBQing steak...it usually hits the spot.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? We got a family gift...and new camera, Nikon D60. It is awesome!

Baby Braids

In the bathtub last night I was actually able to keep Hailey distracted long enough to braid her hair in two little baby french braids!! It looked so adorable and she looked like such a "big girl". They are not the best braids in the world but the best I could do with soaking wet, short, fine baby hair!! I knew they wouldn't last so I quickly had to grab the camera and start shooting a few photos...which posed it's own challenge to get her to sit still long enough to capture one of the back of her head!

Lately...

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I've come to realize...

1. I've come to realize that my boobs...
will never be what they used to be without surgery

2. I've come to realize that my job...
is amazing...although the 12 hour shifts usually get to me

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I need to pay attention

4. I've come to realize that I need...
a nap and a nanny

5. I've come to realize that my heart...
can have irregular rhythms...but is full of love :)

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
My kids don't listen

7. I've come to realize that I don't like....
having so much junk around

8. I've come to realize that money...
can be stressful

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
only care about themselves

10. I've come to realize that I'll never be...
PERFECT...damn it!!!

11. I've come to realize drugs are..
not for me

12. I've come to realize that my best friends....
are Many

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is something I depend too much on

14. I've come to realize when i woke up this morning...
I was exhausted and thankful my sister was here to get up with the girlies

15. I've come to realize that last night before i went to sleep...
I was thinking about work

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
taking a shower...I really want to take a nap but need a shower

18. I've come to realize that yesterday...
I felt better than I do today...maybe iron really is the answer!

19. I've come to realize that today..
I have been very unproductive

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
I'm getting a massage

21. I have come to realize that tomorrow....
my sister will leave and I'll be back at it on my own :(

22. I've come to realize that I really want to....
have my energy back

23. I've come to realize that I love...
my family

24. I've come to realize that i...
need to clean up the house!!

25. I've come to realize that this weekend....
I spent most of nauseated

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when i am upset...
country

27. I've come to realize that some of my friends...
are amazingly caring

28. I've come to realize that this year....
is going to bring a lot of changes!

Our Family

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A baby shower and a baby funeral...

This is a difficult post for me to write...but one I need to do.

This weekend I attended a baby shower for my very best friend Wendy who is expecting her little girl later on this month. I can't wait for this baby's arrival! There is nothing in the world like a sweet little baby...especially a girl...I'm a little partial to girls :) I have been invited into her delivery room again for this precious little girl. I was lucky enough to be there while her other children Taylor and Nolan were born and it is one of the most memorable experiences of my life. On the flip side I was lucky enough to have her with me while I delivered Ella and Hailey and again, it made my deliveries that much more memorable. I know she is starting to feel the exhaustion of that last month so I wish her all the strength in the world...and children that will behave perfectly and nap for 3 hours so you can rest! I also hope your little Jessy will be a nice baby and arrive on time or maybe a little bit early :)

I followed that baby shower by attending a funeral for one of my very favorite patients...Zachary. Zachary was born a little bit premature with multiple genetic anomalies and lived about 14 weeks before passing. I think he spent about half of that time with us at Kadlec until being shipped to Childrens. He, and his family, touched me very deeply and I can't really get them off my mind. Seeing his parents at his funeral rocked me to the core. It was like looking at my own family. That could easily be any one of us. Why them...why do they have to go through this horrible event. Their grief and their strength was palpable. They had a moment where people could speak and tell stories. Many people said things like "God has a plan" or "He took Zach for a reason". While I was standing there I was wondering if that was true. Why in the world would God have a plan to take a precious little boy from this wonderful family. Why would he want to rock them with the sorrow of spending 14 weeks in the hospital and then having to say good bye?? To never be able to take him home to the crib they had ready for him?? I guess it is beyond anything I can comprehend. I have to say this though...this little boy was incredibly blessed with amazing parents. I said this to her in an email and I truly believe it:
"A mother's love does more to heal a baby than we can even begin to imagine. Medicine can do amazing things to heal a child's body, but only the love from a mother or father can heal their soul. Zachary's soul was overflowing with health!"

People often gasp when I say I work in the NICU and respond with "isn't it so hard...I could never work there." I usually respond with "Actually, it is a great place to work, we get to see miracles happen everyday" That statement is very true; the highs in the NICU are very high...watching tiny little 1 lb babies grow and go home with their mommies, only to come back to visit months later happy and healthy and big and chunky. But lately I am reminded that the lows in the NICU are very low. Unfortunately we have had way to many lows lately...and it is truly devastating.

The one thing this whole experience did teach me is that it is so easy to take for granted the health of our children...the ability to hold them when we want and to put them to our breast to feed. To watch them grow and learn and become wonderful little people. What amazing things most of get to...and too often forget what a gift that is. How easy it is to get caught up in the little stresses and forget the big picture. That is the one big benefit of working in the NICU...prospective.

To this grieving family that I am thinking about...your son touched so many people's lives and you are all amazing people. I hope that you are doing okay. I really am sending so many thoughts and prayers your way.

My big girl....

Hailey had her 2 year well check this week and, like usual, she remains a very big girl!!! Her weight was 33 lbs which was the 95% and her height was 36.5 inches which is in the 97%. If you take that old saying that a person's height will be double what they were at age 2 she will be 73 inches tall which is a little over 6 feet tall!!! Holy crap!! There are woman that tall in both of our families so it is possible. The first thing the dr. asked was "So do you think it will be volleyball or basketball??"
Overall she is perfectly proportionate (in a big way) and is very healthy. She is beautiful, and I am very proud that she is continuing to grow and be big and strong!!

Hailey Jane

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2 Years...

It is very hard for me to believe that Hailey has been in our lives for two years now. It seems like she's been around forever...but also feels like she was just born. What a crazy whirlwind two years it has been. I remember her delivery very clearly. It was pretty easy and she was ready to come into the world. I remember saying out loud when I first saw her "She doesn't really look like anybody"...and now I think she looks a lot like me at age 2. The first few months were filled with almost constant screaming and I wasn't really sure I liked this new little baby. When she was finally diagnosed with reflux and treated appropriately she was a much happier baby and a joy to have around. After I had Ella I wished for a cuddly baby (Ella wasn't much of a cuddlier) and boy did I get one in Hailey. She did not want to be put down, nor sleep much further than an arms length. She loved to nurse and didn't give it up until she was 22 months. Now she says "Milky all gone" As she is becoming a toddler she makes me smile on a daily basis. She loves to sing and you can often hear her in the next room singing ABC's in a REALLY loud voice. She also loves to dance...especially with her daddy, and she loves playing with her dolly's. She sleeps in a toddler bed now and in the mornings will pull out all of her pajama's and shoes and pile them on the bed. She does this really funny look where she will put her head down and then look at you out of the corner of her eyes. She usually does this if she is mad or unsure of something but it is truly hilarious.
She is an awesome eater and will eat just about anything...including broccoli. She is a very big girl all around (height and weight) and people are usually surprised to hear she is just turning 2.
She can say a ton of words and can ask for things she wants. She has starting using the potty on occasion and shows a lot of interest in it! She can jump off the couch and end in a somersault (she gets this from her sissy) She does twirls all over the house and loves to run and jump.
She wants anything her sister wants. If her sister wants milk than Hailey wants milk. If sissy wants water than so does Hailey. She gets along well with Ella although they do have their moments. Mostly fighting over a toy. Ella loves her little sissy and only calls her by her full name...Hailey Jane. I don't think I have even once heard her call her just Hailey.
All in all she has been the most perfect addition to our family! We love her to pieces and think she is the sweetest, prettiest and smartest little 2 year old girl in the world (of course we are a little bias). She melts our heart every single day!
Happy Birthday Hailey Jane...we love you!

Sausage Fest

To anyone who is not from the tri-cities...and event called the Sausage Fest probably sounds a little bit odd. However; growing up here it is an annual event that we always look forward to. Good food, games for the kids, face painting, toys, balloons...just a bunch of fun things to do. This year we went and met up with our friends the West's. The kids had a blast and were really fun to watch.
I had to post the series of group photos so you could see the progression of Hailey picking her nose, eating it, and then the disgusted looks on the other kids' faces. Yep...that's my daughter for you. Ella was also picking her nose in the first photo...although I don't think she ate hers. Classy, I know.